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Just hear me out. [08 Dec 2004|04:05pm]
Fucking hypocracy.
Always gets the best of me.
First I say I was going to get ride of this fucking thing because it only fucks things up for me.
Then I go and write an entry and fuck up my entire life.
To make a long story short, I'm going through a pretty rough time in my life and it feels like nobody every is willing to talk to me or support me, blah blah blah.
Maybe I was just in one of those moods and I should have kept my stupid mouth shut.
Why don't I ever learn?

I'm sorry guys. I love you.
I'm going to call each and every one of you, and talk to you about this because I am sorry.

I swear, this is the last entry.

Love always, Mimi
3 tunes| play that song for me

You're driving me insane; and you don't even have a driver's licence. [06 Dec 2004|09:48pm]
[ mood | Fuck you ]

"Danny won't be talking tonight..He's grounded." Of course he's grounded. He's always fucking grounded. Doesn't it ever get through your fucking head that grounding him doesn't do a fucking thing? He still gets bad grades, he still does whatever the hell you grounded him for.
You know, everybody else takes it for granted that their boyfriends go to the same school as them and they see them everyday. And don't tell me that I'm lucky to even have a boyfriend. What kind of luck is it to only see him once a week and talk to him only when he's not grounded, or was left home alone and can call you? But I love him so fucking much.
There's something quite depressing about the way that sexy black dress hangs from my bookshelf and how deep down I know that I won't be wearing it to any crappy high school dance next weekend. When I called Teresa, she seemed slightly excited when she was describing the dresses to me, and when I told her that I wouldn't be attending the dance anyways, there was a hint of disappointment in her voice that made me want to break down that very instant and cry. It seems I've been holding all this in for too long.
I had to buy a knew green folder for health over the weekend. Somebody went through my backpack when I left it at Leah's house on Friday night and wrote inappropriate things all over it. This is the fourth time they've done that. It's not funny, ok? It's fucking annoying and I'm fucking pissed about it. STOP! I've asked you politely in the past not to do that anymore, but yet you continue to do it. Do I need to spell it out for you?! Geez Louise, you're not a fucking child and when I say stop I mean stop. It seems like after the first two times you would get it through your fucking head. Looks like I'm not the one with the peanut brain after all.
I didn't eat any dinner tonight. Fuck it. I don't care any more.
My fucking lip is still quivering. I'm always on the verge of tears, but never quite there. I'm so fucking alone. Don't say, "Oh, Mimi, I'm always here for you. No matter what," because you know what? You're not. Everytime one of you has a problem I go out of my fucking way to help you and when it's my turn you leaving me sitting on your pourch step, cold, alone, and in the dark. So close, enough to taste it, almost. Right on the tip of my tounge. What kind of a sick game are you playing anyways?
A whole is being burned through my fucking stomache as you read this. Isn't that an apatizing thought? How fucking yummy. I can't eat anything because everything makes me want to keal over and die just to get ride of the pain. It's not the only pain I want to get ride of.
Green Day rocks my fucking world and I don't care what the hell you think. Say I'm obsessed. I don't give a shit. I saw my fucking idols in concert. It's one thing that you can never take away from me; those memories. I would so fucking do them. And I don't care what you have to say about it.
Don't admire me too much untill you know the whole trueth. Just keep that in mind.
Though I may not be getting good grades this year in school, I have learned more then I did last year.
I would pay a million dollars to go back in time, to the fist day of ninth grade, approach Daniel in gym class and strike up a conversation. What I would give to have all those months back; to have the summer back; to have heritage fest back; to have the fourth of July back. To sit on the hill watching the fireworks waiting for a kiss that never came. Holding hands seemed so awkward back then. To sit on Dan's roof with him and Mike again. To lay in his bed room surrounded by all my friends and feel some sort of content that has left me, oh, so long ago.
Yeah, there's more to fucking life then Dan. But not much.
So maybe next time, before you make a comment in an attempt to be funny, or before you hit me, or before you ask me for something, just remember this, and think about somebody besides your fucking self, because if you don't, it's enough to make me want to put a gun to me head.

I still remember that night it was the fourth
of July It's still engraved in my mind and I'm not surprised.
Gang wars no guns hand to hand.
You're black I'm white he's purple but I still don't understand.
I'm going to be alright I'm going to be okay
everything is going to be fine back off.
I want to be alone I want to think it out and
I'm thinking that I want to go home.
Look who's laughing now.
I'll pull it off somehow.
As I passed her by I could see her cry and
I'll never forget the look that was in her
eye and the music you know it played on &
and on & on so won't somebody tap her on
the shoulder tell her life goes on.
3 years 2 months 1 week 4 days I am always
counting down because there ain't no easier
way trust me you know that I tried and if I
said it was easy then you know that I told a lie.
I'm going to be alright I'm going to be just fine.
One down five billion to go.
Am I the next in line and do I really want to know?

I still remember that night it was the fourth
of July it’s still engraved in my mind and I'm not surprised.
Gang wars no guns hand to hand.
You're black I'm white he's purple but I still don't understand.
I'm going to be alright I'm going to be okay
everything is going to be fine back off.
I want to be alone I want to think it out and
I'm thinking that I want to go home.
3 years 2 months 1 week 4 days I'm always
counting down because there ain't no easier
way trust me you know that I tried and if I
said it was easy then you know that I told a lie.
I'm going to be alright I'm going to be just fine.
One down five billion to go.
Am I the next in line and do I really want to know?

Look who's laughing now.
I'll pull it off somehow.
As I passed her by I could see her cry and
I'll never forget the look that was in her
eye and the music you know it played on &
on & on so won't somebody tap her on
the shoulder tell her life goes on

6 tunes| play that song for me

This is my fucking house now, motherfuckers. [14 Nov 2004|06:25pm]
[ mood | content ]

Green Day was awsome. They're so my idols.
Dan lives too far away so I stay up untill 2 AM talking to him on th phone every night. Even when I have school the next day.
My friends mean more to me then almost anything else in this world.
Looking out over the townhomes around Springside on top of the highest (safest) part of the bleachers at night made me cry;it's so beautiful. Think of what it would do to me if I saw it at sunrise/set.
Matt Turzcak totally lost his sexy-ness last night.
Eric from Herrick is totally hot. I always thought so, just never said anything. So is Mikey and Jaysen Vana.
I cut my own hair yesterday.
Love Actually is amazing. So is Christmas.
No matter how much I complain about piano, I still really do love it, deep down.
Singing is orgasmic.
I can't wait untill I can go for a drive late at night with Dan, driving down the highway holding his hand, listening to music (probably Green Day) and not saying a word.
Not every silence has to be akward.
I really admire people who are strong.
Fires in the fire place on a cold night and laying in a field with my best friends staring up at the stars give me an incredible feeling, all the way down to the very tips of my toes.
My dad bought a baby blue BMW motorcycle. Way to go, Dad.
When Meggie looked up "Mimi" on Google Images way to many naked chics came up. When she looked up "Shelby" no images were found. And when she looked up "Leah" a map came up.
I've just now discovered how much I love being loud.
The chic yelling at us last night through the window at Bacci's Pizza looked like a total mouran because all we saw was her waving her middle finger around and screaming things that we couldn't hear through the glass, as if she were someone important.
In the mad rush last nigh, Mikey fell out of the car and Mike ran over his foot.
Everyone went back to Andrew's house.
That kid (Andrew) is so cool.

Hey, I'm probably not going to write in this thing any more. Or at least not as often. All it does is cause problems anyways.
Thanks for the time of my life, though.

2 tunes| play that song for me

I'm shaking at your touch... [08 Oct 2004|04:18pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

The way he kissed me just seemed so right. Yet in the back of my head there was a voice pounding against the sides of my skull, "NO!NO!NO!" Half of me wanted to pull him in closer by his tie and feel his hands caress my entire body an the other half of me wnted to be strong like Leah; to push him away and tell him to never touch me again. Half of me wanted to ignore the terrible flip-flops my stomach was doing and the other half wanted to kill the first half. My friends don't understand; I've tried telling them, but found it better to keep my mouth shut and avoid being scolded. My brother and parents are too wrapped up in their own problems to take time for mine. The girls probably call me names behind my back; the guys are probably just jealous. And the one person I would want to talk to is the person that my stupid, selfish, childish acts would effect most. I don't fucking care if I'm sending mixed signals to everyone. Hell, I'm sending mixed signals back and forth through my own mind all day long. And when he turns to the next girl down the line, I can't help but to feel heavy rainfall build up in my eyes and to wish that he'd turn to me and kiss me again without a second thought or regret.

(Fuck. Don't worry kiddies, I'm not going to break up with Dan. I love him too much. This is just something that I have to work out for myself. You can't help me, even if you wanted to. Nobody can. This is all my thing, and sooner or later all these battles being tossed around inside of me will subside. But I can tell you this much. I love Daniel John Engelman, through thick and thin. No matter what.)

play that song for me

Jimmy died today;he blew his brains out into the bay [24 Sep 2004|11:33pm]
[ mood | Incredible ]

Dan said to Katie that not only am I his girlfriend, but I'm his best friend. Right back to ya, Danny. I don't know if you have ever had such a deep excitement in your stomach that it feels like all your organs have sprung legs and are jumping around inside you, or have ever looked into somebody's eyes and suddenly found that you're lungs have started taking quick, short, shallow breaths, or have ever pinned somebody to the back of a couch and for just a minute had the whole world in your hands, but I am telling you, it's the greatest feeling in the world. To have a fever of 103 degrees and to be able to rest your head in his lap while all of his friends are up watching Forever In A Day. To have late night phone calls that nobody finds out about that go on until 2:00 AM. To look forward to seeing each other every weekend. To pick out the perfect present for your three month anniversary (which, by the way, is 25% of a year spent with one person.) To watch him up on stage singing and playing guitar and he just looks like the kid that you always imagined yourself to be with. To sit in a dark basement 45 minutes away from your home and not let a soul find out what was going on down there. To feel his arms wrapped around your waist, to look down at him, and to forget all of your troubles and your pains that are waiting for you back at home. To make him smile all the time. To hear both of your laughter blending together at some stupid joke one of you made ("You know what I really want to do sometime?" "Me!") To imagine running up to him, tackling him into the freshly cut green grass and totally just making out with him in the middle of his front yard. To say, "I love you, Danny" and have all the emotions that have been building up inside all come flooding through like a broken damn, and then get lost in a blur of motion and feelings and never distinguishing between what was reality and what was all in your head.
I absolutely adore you.

2 tunes| play that song for me

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives [31 Aug 2004|04:28pm]
[ mood | content ]

-Spend all four days at Herritage Fest from dawn to dusk (check)
-Go to Chicago (check)
-Fall in love (check)
-Have at least 5 sleep overs with Meggie, Shelby, and Leah
-Go to a waterpark
-Go to 6 Flags Great America
-Learn how to say wash without the "r"
-Stay up untill past 12.00 a.m. and sleep untill 1.00 p.m.

Today is the last day of summer. Three months have passed since my last actual day of being a freshman. Tomorrow starts my first day of being an upperclassman; my grade number will be in the doulbe digits. Matt, Mike, and Dan have all started school already. I didn't go to the Ghost in the Graveyard game last night. Instead I went with Meggie and Shelby to Target to go school shopping. There's nothing I regret about making that discision. There's not much more I would have rather done then spend a couple of hours with two of my best friends on the last night that I could stay out late. Although I didn't even complete half of my "Things to do before the end of summer" list (posted at the top of this entry) I must say, if I could do it over again, the only thing I would do differently is kiss Dan way sooner. I spent almost everyday with the three greatest girls in the world. After months of holding it in, I finally told Dan that I love him. Shelby, Meggie, Leah, and I took the train downtown Chicago and had just a total ball. Katie, Cat, and I were able to hang out with out getting into any fights. Even though there are tons more things that could have made my summer one to remember or one to brag about, I must say, this was the best summer of my life. And that's more then I could have ever asked for.

2 tunes| play that song for me

She took him to the lake and he fell in love [30 Aug 2004|11:40am]
[ mood | angry ]

Yesterday I went to Amy's house because Dan was there and I wanted to spend time with him. I knew that he wasn't going to get to come back to Downers Grove for another 2 weeks or so, and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. When I got there Dan was sitting outside without shoes on and with a guitar in his hands. What a hippie. We went inside and turned on Donnie Darko. I hadn't seen it before, but I liked it alot. Then Dan and I just kinda layed on the bed that was down in the basement (where we were) and talked, made out, cuddled, laughed, and basiclly just enjoyed eachother's company. Meghan Morgan called us then and told Dan that when she was driving to North Beach for the show, he tailgate opened and her bass amp fell out the back. In the end, it turned out to be ok, but at the time nobody was sure if everthing was going to work out. Dan and I were sitting on the bed and I pulled out some of his leg hairs. As a punishment, Dan told me he would pull out some of my pubes if I did that again. I told him I would punch him in the balls if he did. Just to prove that I would, I went ahead and punched him. He was pretty shocked so I kissed him on the cheek to make him feel better. That wasn't good enough though and he tried to get to my pubes to pull some out. In the struggle to keep his hand out of my pants, I accedently head-butted him and his forhead ended up swollen. I really do love that kid with every thing I have. Soon it was about time for Dan to be at North Beach for the show so we called my mom and she gave us a ride over there. About 5 minutes after Dan and I arrived at North Beach, Leah, Cat, Brittney, and Teresa came waltzing in the door. Leah kept saying, "I have to tell you all something" so eventually she got around to telling us that she's going to New York City with her brother and his friend to protest Bush. She's going to be gone for 3 days and will miss the first day of school. Damn, I'm gunna miss that girl. Even if it is only for 3 days. The show was a disaster. With Regards couldn't start on time because the microphones weren't working. Then the manager started yelling at them to play, and didn't get the fact that the fucking microphones weren't working. Eventually, though, With Regards got started playing (even though there were only 2 working microphones). Other shows have been better, but you have to just laugh at the ones that don't go so well. Dan's microphone faded out in the middle of "Your heart, black as oil" so Katie, Cat, Britney, Teresa, Leah, and I all started shouting "We see through the lies, we see through the lies, we see through the lies and we know it's bullshit" along with Dan. That was fun. Matt left the show before Leah ever got to tel him that she was going to New York. Poor Matt. Since it was past 6 pm and none of us had had dinner, we were all pretty hungry. Somebody remembered there was a Penara Bread across the high way. It truelly is beyond me how we all made it across without anybody getting hit, but we did make it. I got a PB&J Sandwich and a Green Apple Jones Soda. After we all ate, we walked around only to find that there were no stores open passed 7.30 p.m. on Sunday nights. Instead we ended up all sprinting across the highway once again and waited for our rides home. Cat went with Meghan to make sure her amp wouldn't fall out again. Mrs. Cordova gave all of us a ride over to Katie's house. Kyle and Teresa walked home together and Brian and Pat came to give Britney a ride home and Andrew and I walked over here. I asked my dad to give Andy-roo a ride home, but he told him to call his mom. Both of us knew his mom wouldn't give him a ride, so he walked. When my mom found out he was walking, she felt bad and was on her way to the car to go give him a ride, when my dad started yelling at her. It was a bad fight. I'd rather not go into the details right now. Maybe later. Dad called Andrew's mom though. I hate him so much. I told my mom that and for the first time in my life she said to me, "Me too." It all scares me sometimes. All I wanted to do last night was call Dan and talk to him. I wanted to spill my feelings to him and I wanted him to be with me and to hold me and kiss me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and for just a while, to feel safe. I love him so much. And I hate the fact that when I need him, I can't even talk to him. You know why? Because he's in fucking Plainfield. And I won't get to see him for two more fucking weeks.

I have to remember to tell Meggie that Jennifer Aniston is going to be on the Ellen Degenerous Show this week.

But then she went away and she's not coming back
And I'm pretty sure that boy is staying in tonight.

4 tunes| play that song for me

You offer me the world, but all I want is you [28 Aug 2004|02:44pm]
[ mood | loved ]

You know, it never fails to amaze me how little things can mean so much.

After spending 2 hours on an entry that nobody will ever read, it takes a lot to really get your mind on something else. To make what ever it is inside of you that wants to swear at and break the fucking computer just kind of die away. Easily I could have walked away, closed my eyes and listened to some soft music, but for one reason or another, I couldn't peel myself out of this chair that I have been sitting in since 12.30. I checked each of my friends info's just out of curiousity. Suddenly, my lip started to tremble and I realized that I had been crying. My friends seems so innocent, so pure, so young. No, they don't seem that way. They are that way. And it just makes me love them that much more. These girls really are my best friends. Leah love apple anything because she doesn't get sick from it. Leah truelly does have an obsetion with David Bowie, and I know that he'd apritate that if he ever found out. Shelby can go on for hours talking about crimes and cerial killers, and knows just about everything there is to know about the things you never even thought about. Meggie wants to fall in love once and have it be forever. Meggie never really clicked with any body who she hasn't known all her life, except for me. I realized that I love these three girls with every fiber of my being. I would die for you all. If we were running through the woods, being chased by and ax murderer and you fell and twisted your ankle, I swear on anything holy, I would go back for you.

Because I love you way too much. And you mean more to me then you could ever imagine.

2 tunes| play that song for me

Forever isn't as long as it seems [27 Aug 2004|02:58pm]
I count down the minutes untill you will be home frome school. I need to hear your voice. I long for you to make me laugh. Every second I'm with you seems too short, and every second we're apart seems too long. It seems like I can't go half an hour with out thinking about something you said or something you would do if you were with me right now. Days have past since I last touched you, yet I can still feel your hands on my body as if we'd just touched one minute ago. The taste of you lips still lingers on mine. "I've liked you for too long to let you go now." When you grow up you want to live in a house along the beach. I want to live in that house with you. You promised me that we'll still be friends when we become adults. You want to have four kids. I want to have two. Three is a compromise. My mom once told me that she thinks that I'll have three kids. Kinda creepy. You don't want your wife to have to have kids because she has to go through pain that you don't, and you feel bad. Yeah, but that's such a wonderful experiance. You're supposed to hold her hand and talk to her and give her support. You would make her laugh. No, you would make me laugh. The kids will have you're curly blonde hair and my toothy smile. You can see us being together for the rest of high school. Strangely enough, so can I. And longer.
1 tune| play that song for me

Survey Time [19 Aug 2004|04:43pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Lives in\\Illinois

piercings\\two on each ear.
shoe size// 7-7 1/2
hair color\\Dirty Blonde
siblings// Uno, mi hermano Nathan
times I have been in love\\ Twice.
you have had your heart broken//A few
hearts you have broken\\I'd rather not count.
girls you have kissed//None, biotch
boys you have kissed\\Lots
girls I've slept with//Guys, I'm not a lesbian
boys I've slept with\\None
drugs taken illegally//None.
people I could trust with my life\\three-six
people I consider my enemies//Not too many.
times my name has appeared in the newspaper\\Once or Twice, I don't really know.
scars on my body//Over 10 I think.

movie you rented\\One Hour Photo
movie you bought//Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Waynes World 1 & 2
song you listened to\\ Possibilites by Weezer
song that was stuck in your head// Favorite Son by Green Day
cd you bought\\ Franz Ferdinand
cd you listened to// Maladroit by Weezer
persong you've called\\ Dan
person that's called you// John
tv show you've watched\\News
person you were thinking of// Nobody...
you have a crush on someone\\ Dan
you wish you could live somewhere else// No, my friends are here. I just wish Dan still lived here.
you think about suicide\\ No
you believe in online dating// Not really.
others find you attractive\\ I don't like questions like this.
you want more piercings// Yeah, I guess. It couldn't hurt.
you like cleaning\\ Depends on what kind of a mood I'm in.
you like roller coasters// As long as it's not Raging Bull then yes.
you write in cursive or print\\ I do a little bit of both. I kinda combine them.

food// Watermelon...
song\\I can't choose just one. Actually I've got about 50.
thing to do//Sing, hang out with my friends, sleep, watch movies.
thing to talk about\\Just what ever comes to mind
sports//I would have to say softball or swimming.
clothes//That one pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
movies\\The Breakfast Club, maybe? I dunno, I have alot.
singer//G r e e n D a y.
holiday\\Christmas, or maybe Halloween.
memory// Probably just any good memory I have with my friends.

ever cried over a guy\\Yes..
ever cried over a girl//Yes, she was/is my best friend..
ever lied to someone\\ Oh, don't even get me started.
ever been in a fist fight//No, I don't think I know how to fight.
ever been arrested\\ No.

shampoo do you use// Pantine Pro-V: Smooth and Sleek.
shoes do you wear\\My new ones from Old Navy.
are you scared of//the dark, things popping out at me, death.

2 tunes| play that song for me

Isn't it a Drag? [19 Aug 2004|02:37pm]
[ mood | horny ]

Talking on the phone with Dan. Talking on line with Dan.
We are lame.

But I love him.

By the way, I'm not really horny. I was just reading the moods to Danny and he told me to say that I'm horny so..But that's Dan for you. :)

1 tune| play that song for me

But as it is, I'll dream of her tonight [18 Aug 2004|11:36pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Run away with me. Take my hand and bring me to a place thousands of miles from here. Some place beautiful with palm trees and an ocean. Paradice. We'll wake up in the late morning with sunlight flowing onto our bed through the open window like some sort of a golden stream. No responsibilities followed us here which leaves us to our thoughts and the sounds of the birds outside. I look over at you still sounds asleep. How wonderful everything seems. Though we are just kids, we both know that this is what love is. What love should feel like. After a while you slowly open your sleepy green eyes. I turn onto my right side to face you. Smiling, I look at you, taking in every minor detail of this wonderful new day. I lift my eyes to meet yours and you lean in to give me a soft, comforting Good-Morning-Kiss. Everything seems so fresh and new here. White cotton sheets line the bed that that rests in the tan colored room witha balcony that looks over the big blue sea. You lean over the bed and pick up your acoustic guitar. Music truelly is your passion. Both in our white underwear, we listen to the soft, peaceful melodies being strummed out of the guitar. Melodies such as The Beatles' "I've just seen a Face" and others that I don't recognize, but fall in love with instantly. Then you do something unexpected. You stop playing and look at me. I look at you and you say ever so softly, almost whispering, "I wrote this song for you." It's a truelly beautiful song about a young girl with blonde hair who, when you first saw her, fell instantly in love with. As you stroked the last three cords, you looked me in the eye and I suddenly found myself telling you, "I love you."

Yes, this is taken from my Open Diary. Yes, that is how lame I am.

3 tunes| play that song for me

:( [23 Jul 2004|12:17pm]
I hate everything. I don't know how to work this :'(.

Anyways, I'm Mimi. and you'll learn more later.
play that song for me

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